"Mom, what did you want to be? Ya know, before you became an ordinary Mom?" - my six year old.
"Well buddy, I've always wanted to be a Mom. Ever since I can remember."
It's the other stuff I've never been very sure about.
I'll never forget when a good friend came to visit us days after our first son was born. "What are you going to do now?" he asked.
"Have another one?" I replied with a smile. I was so certain, so confident of my capabilities. And when our third was born - a girl! I was truly overjoyed. I kept thinking to myself, "This, this is what it must feel like to win the lottery."
And after many teary conversations with my husband. A lot to do with university tuition, the size of the house and where we'd like to travel someday, we decided three was a good number. With the first two in school and my daughter starting daycare, I went back to work full-time. We figured out a new rhythm, tried as best as we could to find balance.
Then the unplanned happened. I found out I was pregnant on Valentine's Day, 2014. I told myself, "You've got three. What's one more?" But children aren't pets or tattoos. My confidence waned. I blamed it on the hormones.
Wesley was born in early October, 2015. Exactly a week from the birthday of my first son. And it felt like I was reliving those early days as a new mom but this time I didn't feel capable at all.
After a year and a half I'm still fumbling my way through. Slowly I'm getting used to this new modis operandi. I have a feeling it's going to take the next 20 years or so. And every day as I become more entrenched in the role of 'mom', the more I have a need to be something more. A need to preserve other parts of my identity. It's because of this that I have pursued my photography journey with such passion and dedication. Suddenly it is because of and for my kids that I need to be more than just an ordinary mom.
Thanks for reading,